March 24th, 2004

Main Page • John's Journal (2000-2003) • CLL Information • Contact John • Seattle Cancer Care Alliance • MD Anderson

Slept for about two hours last night, steroid induced restlessness. (They give me a steroid with my chemo.) The lack of sleep is starting to hit me right now as I sit here finishing up my last treatment of the chemo cycle I started Monday.

If all goes well with the insurance I won't do any more treatments after this and I will start my transplant work ups on April 13th and get my marrow on May 4th. Keep praying for me to stay on track with these new dates.

As I laid awake last night my mind was just spinning, thinking of all the things I need to get taken care of before I head up for transplant. Fortunately, we are having a couple work parties to try and get everything squared away with the house. However, there are so many other things to do. I just can't imagine what it will be like taking a year to recover and not be able to do the things I normally do. It will be tough. I'm going to have to learn to let some things go.

I am the last patient in the chemo room. It's kind of a strange feeling to look across the room and see all these empty treatment chairs. Normally you see all the chairs full of patients, each fighting their own battle. Despite the challenges the patients in these chairs face, they are almost always smiling, joking, and full of joy. It's a bit surprising, but the chemo room is usually a joyful place. I think cancer patients have a special appreciation for how special life is and they want to enjoy every moment, even the moments in the chemo chair. I do pray, however, for the day when these chairs are always empty. If my upcoming transplant is
successful, I may never have to sit in this room again. I'll be striving for that.

I'd like to close my entry today with an encouraging passage I read from the book, Man in the Mirror. Puts a good perspective on suffering.

"An old black woman in the Deep South put suffering in proper perspective when she said, "If the mountain was smooth, you couldn't climb it." Everything God has caused or allowed in your life is for your good - to draw you into a deeper love relationship with Him. Your sufferings are not merely setbacks. They are also springboards to the crucial task of knowing God well enough that you can trust him."

I pray I can have the faith to trust God throughout the upcoming months.

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