May 5, 2006

 

“The Lord is good, a refuge in times of trouble. He cares for those who trust in him.”

Naham 1:7

 

…for the joy of the Lord is your strength." Nehemiah 8:10

 

Frustrated? Irritated? Agitated? Upset? These are just a few of the words that describe my emotions right now. Released from UW Hospital on Wednesday night, only to be readmitted to my local hospital again the next morning triggered these emotions. Yesterday was just plain tough. I was instructed to go to my local clinic in the morning to have my blood counts checked, especially my platelets, since they were running low. On my way to the appointment, I just didn't feel right. I was very tired and had the chills. In the clinic waiting room, I huddled in my chair, trying to stay warm. The nurses looked across the lobby, saw I was looking pretty miserable, and took me back right away. They covered me with warm blankets and took my temperature. Sure enough, I had a low-grade fever of about 99.8. This may not seem high, but when you are taking Prednisone, which masks a fever, it is concerning to the doctors. My doctors and a couple nurses came over to the chair I was sitting in and said, “John, you don't look too good!” I've tried to always have a positive outlook and maintain a strong mindset, but at that moment I just crumbled. I started to quietly cry. My doctor asked, “Why are you crying?” My response, “I'm scared and I'm tired.” One of the nurses leaned over me and gave me a gentle hug and whispered, “It'll be OK.” After a short consultation, Dr. Blau, said I needed to get back in the hospital. As an immunosuppressed patient, I cannot take any chances and needed to be on strong, IV antibiotics to combat the fever. Blood work also indicated my platelets were at 16,000 (150,000+ is normal) so an infusion of platelets would be necessary. Platelets are the cells in your blood that allow your blood to clot. Too low of a platelet count can cause severe internal bleeding. Thank you blood donors!

 

So here I am at Good Sam again. After a month of fighting this whole diarrhea thing, the battle rages on. The present culprit appears to be a secondary infection of some type. My doctor wants to keep me in here until the fever goes away. I thought I would be released today, but the fever is still hanging around. So, I will remain in the hospital at least one more day. The diarrhea issue persists, but is being controlled much better with Imodium. My bowel movements are much less frequent (few each day), and they are not as watery. The UW doctors feel this issue should resolve itself on its own pretty soon. I must eat a lactose free, BRAT (type) diet, along with the Imodium until it runs its course. One issue that remains a mystery, is my body's inability to manufacture blood products like I am supposed to. As a result, my platelets, RBC, hemoglobin, and other blood counts are all out of whack. Doctors do not know if this is because of an infection, problems with my marrow, medications, etc. It is a difficult problem to diagnose and it has me pretty uptight.

 

This past month has really put my family and me to the test. It has tested every fiber of our mental, physical, and spiritual strength. One of the things I am trying to do throughout all of this is to have the perspective of “What is God trying to teach me through all of this?” Goodness, he must think I have a lot to learn.

 

As a Christian, I have used the bible and prayer as way to talk to God and ask Him the tough questions, such as, “Why is this all happening to me?” In Romans 8 it talks about how we live in a sinful, fallen world. Just looking around, you can see our world isn't perfect. I think it is a wonderful place, but it definitely is not perfect. I read somewhere, “If you walk through a cow pasture long enough, you are eventually going to step in something.” I guess I just happen to be stepping in a few extra piles lately.

 

Another thing God has taught me is that just because I am a Christian, it doesn't mean Jesus will take all of my problems away. Unfortunately, I think some people do that think that way. God does not promise us a problem free life. He does, however, promise to give me the strength to get through (not avoid) my problems. “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” Phil. 4:13 Clinging to the promise of His strength is one of my big coping tools. It's not just coping…it's survival!

 

The Bible also has some cool examples of how God has used incredibly difficult times to help His children reach their destiny. For example, Joseph endured being sold into slavery (Genesis 37:28), being falsely accused of a heinous crime, and many other horrible trials. Joseph, however, remained faithful to God, maintained his integrity and became one of the most powerful leaders in Egypt as a result. Who knows, perhaps I will be the principal of my high school one day? Actually, that is not something I aspire to. My goal in life is simple, to be a Godly man, a good husband, a good father, a good friend, and a good teacher. Oh, and I wouldn't mind being faster on the bike either.

 

One of the qualities God is really working to nurture in me is patience. In James 1:3-4 it talks about how the trying of our faith produces patience. Until recently, I just thought of patience as being passive. Basically waiting around with a “whatever will be” attitude. I recently discovered that the Greek word for patience is “hupomone”, which means “cheerfulness, hope, endurance, constancy.” These are all traits that I want and need to have. This present trial has definitely developed them in me. For this, I am grateful.

 

In closing, I will not say I do not have intense feelings of frustration, fear, and anger at my current situation. I certainly do. I am also doing my best to open up my heart to let God use this experience to better me so that I can become the man He truly wants me to be.

 

Specific prayer requests:

•The diarrhea resolves itself quickly.

•My body can absorb nutrients from my food and I can hydrate without IV.

•My marrow can produce platelets, red blood cells, and hemoglobin. I continuing to need transfusions of blood products and the doctors do not know why. I received platelets last night and will need two units of regular blood today.

•The infection clears and my temperature returns to normal.

•I want to go home.

•Peace of mind and joy present in my heart despite my fears.

 

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