May 8, 2006

 

“ Do not be anxious about anything , but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.” Phil 4:6

 

"But blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD ,

whose confidence is in him. Jeremiah 17:7

 

 

Thanks to my friend Ladd who shared with me the acronym; PUSH, which I made a graphic of above. Simple, but powerful. I am definitely PUSHing and thank everyone who is PUSHing for me.

 

The past month has been tough. The past week has been tougher. The past days have been the toughest. Endurance, patience, faith, perseverance, courage, character…well, just about everything has been pushed. This past Saturday morning was my breakdown day. This most recent stay in the hospital stay was only supposed to be for one night. However, on Saturday morning my doctors shared that I had too many things going on (fever, erratic blood levels, diarrhea, fluid on lungs) and that it would be too dangerous to send me home. “When can I go home?” I asked. “We don't know, John,” my doctor responded. What followed was not my strongest moment. I asked Michelle, my friend Jeff, the doctors, and my nurse to leave my room. (Maybe I didn't ask, I can't quite remember.) I proceeded to lose it. I began throwing things across the room, tore up my favorite hat, then curled up in a ball in my hospital bed and just wept uncontrollably. I just laid there and repeatedly whimpered, “I want to go home! I want to go home!” This was definitely one of my weaker moments. A month in the hospital, combined with the uncertainty of my physical health had taken its toll on my emotions.

 

 

There is a part of me that looks back on that moment and feels weak and lacking in faith. However, there is another part of me that realizes I am human and I just needed to get those emotions out. The cool thing is that God did not abandon me in my weakness. He carried me through it. One of the ways he did this was to send me people to pick me back up again. First, the nurse entered the room and she gently wiped the blood off of me (I was bleeding a lot from the nose due to low platelets), unhooked my IV's and told me to go for a walk with Michelle. Michelle and I walked quietly together, and just walking together offered healing. Just being with her brings me comfort. Words are not always necessary. Later, friends Jeff and Kirk came by and we walked some more. We talked about simple stuff and just joked around. They really helped bring my spirits up big time. Later other friends came by, hung around, and together we just laughed and forgot the struggles. It goes to show that you don't have to have magical words to say to be a friend in difficult times. You just need to be there. I am thankful to everyone, who throughout this ordeal, has been there. Since Saturday, God has picked me back up again. He has carried me through it and today I am much better. As I look back on this past month I have realized something. The longer the trial…the shorter the distance I feel between God and me. For I know I am closer to Him now than I have ever been and for this I am grateful.

 

I wanted to share some lyrics from a cool song by the group Newsong, called ‘Sheltering Trees'. It talks about the importance of friends in tough times:

 

SHELTERING TREES

 

IT'S BEEN SAID A FRIEND IS LIKE A MIGHTY SHELTERING TREE

A PLACE OF REFUGE WE CAN RUN WHEN TROUBLE COMES FOR YOU AND ME

SOMEONE WE CAN COUNT ON THROUGH THE THICK AND THIN

WHEN THE STORMS OF LIFE ARE BLOWING, THERE'S JUST NOTHING LIKE A FRIEND

 

WE ALL NEED SHELTERING TREES

FRIENDS IN OUR LIVES WHO'LL GET DOWN ON THEIR KNEES

AND LIFT US UP BEFORE THE KING OF KINGS

WE ALL NEED SHELTERING TREES

 

THERE'VE BEEN DAYS THAT I WAS SURE THAT I COULDN'T MAKE IT THROUGH

CLOUDS OF DOUBT CAME ROLLING IN AND I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT I WOULD DO

I WOULD'VE GIVEN IN AND SAID I JUST CAN'T GO ON

IF IT HADN'T BEEN FOR A FRIEND THAT HELPED ME TO BE STRONG

 

YOU CAN FACE THE HIGHEST MOUNTAIN AND THE CLIMB WON'T FEEL SO HIGH

OR CROSS THE DARKEST VALLEY AND IT WON'T SEEM SO WIDE

NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE WHEN A FRIEND IS BY YOUR SIDE

 

Thank you to all of you who have been my ‘Sheltering Trees'. My family and me definitely couldn't make it through this without you. Many of you I may not show in pictures or may forget to mention by name, but know I am thankful to each of you.

 

 

Sunday was a much better day. My doctor, knowing I needed a lift, gave me a six-hour pass out of the hospital. Sunday was the day of my two oldest son's confirmation, a day where they confess and confirm their faith in the Lord in front of the church. This is one of the most important days of their lives and I wasn't going to miss it. I am grateful to have felt well enough, and for my doctor granting me a pass, so I could be a part of their special day. Watching them be confirmed, along with being in church singing praise songs was a huge lift. After their confirmation all three boys had a piano recital, and I was able to attend that as well. It was a great day to escape and feel normal for a while. The toughest part was returning to the hospital, but the lift I got from the day was huge. I really needed it.

 

 

Even though Sunday was a great day, Monday was an even better day. Betty, Dr. Blau's assistant, came in the morning, examined me and said, “I think your counts are stabilizing enough and your fever has been staying down, we may be able to send you home tonight.” I was shocked to hear her say those words. I was cautiously optimistic, because I would have to get checked out by the infectious disease doctor later in the day. I didn't event tell Michelle there was a possibility of coming home until later in the afternoon, because I didn't want to be disappointed if the doctors changed their minds. However, by day's end the verdict was to send me home. So at 8 pm last night I was released from the hospital and returned home, home to my family and my own bed. I slept like a baby. Words can't explain how good it feels to be home. In the past month I have only been home four days. I am not completely through all of this. I will need to go in to my local clinic daily for the next ten days to receive IV antibiotics, possible transfusions (my blood counts are still not stabilizing), IV fluids, and blood level checks. My diarrhea has improved significantly, but is still not completely normal. I also have a small amount of fluid in my lungs, which needs to clear. I am hopeful things will continue to improve and that I will be fully recovered soon. I am much more in favor of handling this as an outpatient than being in the hospital. I have lost a lot of muscle strength over this past month and it will take some work to get it back. I am an obsessive fitness person, and should recover my strength quickly once my symptoms all begin to settle down. I just pray I continue to make progress and don't end up back in the hospital. I think I've had enough of the hospital for a while.

 

One of the frustrating things I learned was that much of the stuff I've been going through over the past two weeks has not been related to the original diarrhea issue which was diagnosed to have been caused by the Norwalk virus. My most recent problems with a fever, falling blood counts, etc. have been due to a secondary infection I got through my pick line. The pick line is the line they had to put in to give me IV fluids, medications, blood, and nutrition. Somehow the nurses were not careful and bacteria got into the line, causing Sepsis. Sepsis is a general term for an infection of the blood. If it weren't for this line being infected, I probably would have been through all of this much sooner. Consequently, as soon as this current infection is under control I am having this line removed immediately.

 

Thank you again to everyone for keeping our family in your thoughts and prayers. You have made all the difference in getting our family through this difficult time. We love you and thank God for you.

 

Specific Prayer Requests:

•Continued improvement and total healing of my diarrhea symptoms.

•Blood counts can all return to normal and stay stable without transfusions.

•Blood infection is completely cleared.

•Graft Versus Host Disease stays under control as they remove and lower my immunosuppression medications.

•Peace and comfort for Michelle and the boys. Give them assurance that everything will be OK with me and that I will be there for them for a long time to come.

•Regain my strength quickly and I have less fatigue.

•Ability to return to work as soon as possible. My goal is next Monday!

 

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